I know a lot of people. 99% of them are decent, nice people. I have no problem shooting the breeze, talking shop or general parenting stuff. I’m a generally bouncy, happy, polite person. I’ve been known as “Sunshine” since I was 13 (never mind how many years ago). But as nice and fun and kind as I am, I keep them at arms length. I don’t want to have a bunch of people in my life that I feel the need to cultivate/retain a friendship. Acquaintances are easy to manage. You see them when you do and don’t give much thought when you don’t. I have plenty of my own things to think about. There are 4 people in my life outside of the house that are deeply rooted to me. That’s it. I don’t have time for any other people’s stuff. One of the reason’s I rarely go onto Facebook.
That sounds mean to me, not having time for people. It really does. But I have the habit of caring to a fault. And real friendship takes effort and time. A true friendship gives and takes. You rejoice in their successes and hurt in their struggles. We are confidants and advisers and listeners. Those friends, they know our history, the things we don’t tell people. And we are the keepers of their troubles as well. And we do it without hesitation, because they do it, too.
Over the last ten years, I have been fairly lucky with the 4 people that I have let in (aside from a dumb boy).
My girl and little bro, counted as one, are life savers to me. I help whenever I can. And I am always an ear, a phone call or text away. We give each other different things, but it’s all equal, and simply because we care about each other.
My Texas Besty and I are a perfectly balanced pair. Who ever wakes up earlier calls first, by 6:30, 3-4 days a week and for a 2 hour call every Saturday. We talk about everything, cry, laugh and get mad. We are each others sounding boards and shoulders. From 1500 miles.
And my Thirsty Thursday pal. We see one another once, maybe twice a month. We talk, vent, and conspire against unsuspecting people. lol. Not really, but it’s all good.
So yeah. It’s good. But that’s only 3 people. The fourth, I am struggling with. A lot.
You know how it was in high school? You would acquire an “imposter” friend. When you would meet this person, hit it off great. You did all kinds of stuff with each other, confided, made mischief. And then somewhere, something happened. Maybe in all these years since then, you still haven’t figured it out. But she turned on you. Talked about you and made nasty remarks. Visibly cut you out of all aspects of her life. Ever have that? I bet most of us girls, at least, have.
Well, that’s the scenario. And I’m still not sure what it is that I did to smite her, but I am about done. I have sucked it up through a lot of shit. And because I care, even as recent as the weekend did I console and comfort. Only to find myself target of a snotty comment online. I want to know why. I can guess, and would bet that I’m right, but I hate assuming anything…..and it’s not even my deal, if i am right. Just caught in the middle.
I think what bugs me more than anything is that we are both grown-ups. And I am one of the most even tempered, kind, empathetic people you will ever meet. It just makes me wonder, is this just how it is for everyone, friending women? Do we really, constantly have to be aware of the risk that we could get our feelings and possibly our personal confidences fucked over? I used to think it was just me being overly cautious. But now, I wonder. If someone’s got an idea, please share.