Flailing Around in Space

Do you ever feel that way?? Like you’re flailing around, hither and yon, not able to make heads or tails of much of anything? Yeah. I’m sitting in that space.

I have discovered something recently. It doesn’t have to do with family. Or my job (which I am so stoked about starting next week…YAY!!). It’s me. My wholistic happiness. I struggle with it. On a major scale.

Maybe it’s the Gemini in me. Or maybe it’s just me trying to bite the past in the ass and doing nothing but fucking myself. But whatever it is, I really believe that it will be my curse. Ismy curse.

I have been in a lot of shitty relationships. A lot of them. Been used and under appreciated. Have had guys try to steal away all I believed was good in myself so as not to leave. In return, I steeled myself. Began self affirmations and proved to me that I was worth something better.

A good thing, no? Well, sì. But not really to the extent I think I have, on occasion, taken it. Somewhere in all of the “finding I am worth more” self talk, I began to be I unsatisfied with everything. Never bit me before. Until now.

Ya know, I bitched about things that maybe, with the right words, could have been fixed. If I’d have put my big girl panties on, got off my self-righteous horse, and did something about it. But I didn’t. And it’s gone. As I lay here with what I (don’t) have, I see that I am guilty as he. There’s worse out there.
Sure, maybe there’s better, but maybe it could have been, if I hadn’t gotten it in my head that it never would have been.

Which brings me to another point…
one should, in general, put forth all good effort to make their thoughts and beliefs and intentions a reality. Unless, of course, one gets foolish notions into their head. And it seems that these notions are the ones that fuck me. “It’s never gonna change” and “I can’t deal with it”. “It’s hard” and “I want it how I want it and I want it now”.

I think I can say that the lesson had been learned. Although life goes on, until it comes to that abrupt halt, I doubt I will be the same. Tis a good thing, but a bitter pill, as well. But at least I felt whole for a little while tonight. Thanks.

xo

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