This, Though

So there’s something to be said for getting yourself all wrapped up in something you really don’t need to be wrapped up in; nothing else can hold your interest. 

I can honestly admit that I have had a terrible time rebounding. When I’ve had a wonderful experience that fails, I want desperately to fill the hole. As soon as possible. This time though?

Nope. 

It was all I could do to not cry off and on throughout the date. He would say something and I would think “Snoop…”. I would connect it with something he had done. Or said. Or something. By the time it was over I just wanted to go home, snuggle my body pillow and be alone. 

Why is this good? Because I don’t want to rebound. Sure, every day is getting easier. There were moments that he was not on my mind today. I didn’t have him in my head during my entire practice. I only cried 3 times today. And I need to get through all this before I go throwing myself into the arms of a man again.  I need to be Ok by myself. Have fun with me. Not wish for kisses and hugs and a desperate need of companionship. 

The only thing that scares me is what if nothing lives up to that again? What if I don’t find the fun and comfort and attraction again? What if that guy isn’t out there?!? I don’t want anyone now, but I don’t want to be alone forever either. At least right now I don’t. But you never know. Maybe I’ll want to be alone forever in the future. After not finding the Snoop that stays. 

But at least right now I’m ready to be alone. Simply because I can’t have what I want. And that doesn’t make me happy. 

xo

c

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