I have struggled with a negative body image for years. Like, 22 of them. Last weekend I went to mothers. She gave me a box of crap from my childhod. There were old report cards, poems and stories, school awards, and other miscellaneous stuff that parents feel the need to keep for thier kids. And this “The good and the bad of my life” list from 8th grade. And there, right in the middle of the bad list, was the following statement…”Size 8. Too fat”. I’m going to say that again. Size 8. Too fat.
I don’t know where it started. There is no memory of anyone in my family talking about their weight or obsessing about what is put into their bodies. I do know that my mom has been working out as long as I can remember. So has my brother. But there isn’t anything, at least not at that point, that I can pinpoint to the idea that a size 8 was too fat.
Enter my first husband. I was young, he was not. I was madly in love and wanted to do anything to make him love me back. I was a 114 lb size 2. He would look at me and tell me I was a little plump. Daily. This is where my current obsession with size came from. If only I was thinner…I could find love, I wouldn’t get pushed around, I could get a better job, I could change my life. If only I was a little bit smaller.
What a sad way to live your life.
Recently, like as in the last month, I have chosen to love my body just the way it is. My esteem in this department is still fragile, but I’m getting over it. I can do some amazing things with this body. I definitely take care of it, but only to take care of it. Yoga, walking/hiking, and a paleo diet make me feel fantastic. Yes, they keep my weight and size consistent, but I’m not worried about it. I don’t look in the mirror and thing “ugh. I need to get rid of that *insert ‘far part’ here*”. At least not often.
I have realized that there are worse things than being fat. Instead of trying to be skinny how bout we be kind? Helpful? Trustworthy? Friendly? Let’s be faithful and straightforward. Honest and Grateful. Fuck all that “size matters” shit. Only the size of your love matters. Make that shit huge.