Sometimes you can’t help but feel that you’re swimming out here in this great big sea all by yourself. That the experiences, both good and bad are yours alone; no one has felt quite like that before. And in some cases, you might be right. After all, you are you.
But alone you are not.
I’m not going to get all Bible banger on you, but if you believe in this sort of thing, you always have Jesus. No matter what happens to you there is a love that will never go away.
He’s not all, though.
I cracked a little bit last Friday with JFTP. I announced that sometimes I thought it might be better if we weren’t together. That I feel like I am a mess and my life is a mess and no one should have to deal with that. It didn’t go well, we are forging ahead.
After this conversation, I felt alone and scared that I had ruined this beautiful thing. I thought no one I knew would understand why I would say such things to someone I love so. Until I told my mom about what I had done.
When she and my Papa got together, I was a runaway. Missing all the time, scared that I was the body found in a Milwaukee dumpster or in the waters of Green Bay. When I resurfaced I had my girls, I was barely 18, far away, abusing drugs and being abused. My mom was a nervous wreck and dealing with health issues because of the stress. And she questioned Papa why he stuck around to watch it and deal with it all. But he did. And still is.
I’m still terrified. I can’t imagine what it feels like to have someone you care about tell you you shouldn’t be in their life. Even when they have the best of intentions. How do you come back from that? I can only pray and believe that we can. It’s been almost 20 years that my Papa has been “dealing with” my mothers’ mess, AKA me. They are in love and happy. And this gives me hope.
You are not alone. Sometimes solidarity is found in the most unexpected places. Share your story and believe.