When You’re Unhealthy with Food

Binge eating disorder is a real thing. A real, nasty, shitty thing.

Sometimes it comes out of no-where. Just minding my own business sitting on the couch with the kids. Other times it hits me at night when I’m lying in bed reading. Or maybe I’m just chilling alone, not knowing how to be alone. Other times, it’s more “understandable”. Like after a night of drinking and suddenly I’m home alone. Or a shitty day at work. The only commonalities are that it starts from an emotionally draining event, it’s always only at night when I’m alone. And it’s usually upwards of 6-800 calories worth of food.

I feel like I know all of the triggers for myself. I know what to do to stop it. And it’s not a hard fast rule that any of the triggers will trigger an episode. But once it starts, it goes on for weeks until my emotional state heals. It feels like it’s taking so long this time. And I am really struggling with it.

My relationships, the ones that really mean the world to me, feel like they’re falling apart. DS is being a shitty 15-year-old; pushing all the limits, experimenting with things he shouldn’t be, being disrespectful, and driving me nuts. And on the weeks that it’s just he and I, I spend a lot of nights alone, which isn’t really good for me. Things with DSNBP are…stagnant. I sometimes feel like we’re just not moving in any positive direction, but stuck. Even back-pedaling sometimes.

Not that any or all of these things need to be rectified for me to get out of this. But my mindset certainly needs to change before I can heal. And I cannot seem to do that no matter what I do.

Do you have an eating disorder? How are you handling it?



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