I didn’t let DSNBP go all those months ago. We had been hanging out. I was breaking my heart and my bank account trying to get/do/go with him to prove I loved him. And although he knew what I wanted, and wasn’t planning on giving that, he just let me keep doing it.
Friday night I put my foot down. I had a couple glasses of Merlot and asked:
“do you want to love me or do you just want me to help you make cupcakes?? I need to know.”
I didn’t receive a response. So I then sent
“Okay no response is an answer. I have to let you go. I cannot keep hurting myself by waiting for you to make up your mind.
Merry Christmas. And by merry Christmas I mean fuck you”
Maybe not the best thing, but I knew that would get his attention and he would not respond.
The next morning I sent him this, and an apology for my nastiness the night before. I do hate being nasty.
The last few days have been hell. But I slept last night. Finally. For 9 hours. I still I don’t want to get out of bed. I’m still just sick about it. I hope it gets easier. I want the desire for him to fade. And fade quickly. I’m unhappy. I don’t care about Christmas. I want to go see Aquaman, I bought the tickets (another please love me act) but I don’t want that empty space next to me.
I do know, though, that I will get through this. And I learned a few lessons from all of it:
- Don’t be needy
- Let it naturally progress. There’s no timeline for love
- No response/answer is an answer
- Find someone who cares about your happiness
- Find someone who will match your effort
- You can’t love someone into loving you
1-3 are my own shortcomings. 4-5 are things I didn’t realize were so important. That last one I should have known by now, but it was different coming from him. He’s not your average fuck-stick. And yet I couldn’t love him enough either.
When He believes I am ready the one whom my soul loves, and who will love me equally, will be sent. Until then I will pray for him in the storm.